Continuing what I was writing about regarding discipleship and mentoring
A friend asked me a long time ago what it cost to be mentored by somebody. I said it didn’t cost me anything.
Then you are not being mentored…
That got my attention. I knew I was being influenced by a couple guys, I knew that I was changing and that my life was reflecting the lives of these men the more they influenced me. I was being mentored. Naturally, being told that something was not happening when I clearly thought it was caused me to dig a little bit.
Come to find out, he was right. I was being influenced by these men, but there was no direction in their influence. There was no goal for my development. There wasn’t a reason or a purpose to our time together, other than the surface level stuff we were doing. These guys would correct me when they would hear me saying something wrong or doing something wrong, but that was about it. My life was changing simply from proximity to them. I started using little slogans, slang, and jargon like them, and could tell that I was valuing some things more than I used to, and some things less than I used to. Because these were some good men, the changes in my life were also good…
But that is not the point of discipleship.
I do not want my life to meander directionless to a form of maturity that is good. I would like for my life to push forth deliberately and purposefully toward a form of maturity that is great.
Here lies the crux of the matter. Direction and Purpose. To be a disciple is to be a strict adherent to a certain set of principles. To be a dedicated student to a philosophy, a proponent of a way of life. Taking a step back from the churchiness of the word and thinking about it in the world of martial arts, a disciple of Jui Jitsu patterns his life around the art. I have a friend who is a phenomenal fighter, a beast of a man. This guy eats a diet that is far from “normal.” It takes eating “clean” and “Paleo” to a whole different level. The guy goes out late on weekends with friends, and still gets up at the crack of dawn in order to get his cardio in. He spends HOURS upon HOURS reading books and articles about his art, practicing in a gym, sparring, entering competitions, fighting in tournemants… He is a very weak bicyclist, doesn’t do any paddling (as far as I know), couldn’t care less about what was going on in the land of TV (unless it was fight night). He has focus and direction, and he submits his life to the disciplines of his art and the instruction of his mentors.
The Bible actually teaches that there is a cost to disciplehip. Jesus compares it to a king going out to fight a war. Does the king evaluate his enemy, then go and try to settle his differences without a fight if the enemy is stronger than he is… He compares it to a man building a silo for his grain. Does he start building the tower without first calculating how much the tower will cost in the end? If either of these people do not evaluate the cost of their decisions, they end up defeated.
I talk about the cost of discipleship and the marks of a disciple at the same time. They go hand in hand.
A mentor is somebody who is willing to invest their LIFE into somebody in order to replicate the essence of who they are in the person listening to them.
A disciple is somebody who wants to develop some character traits that they see in somebody else and is willing to make the sacrifices required.
When I have the opportunity to mentor somebody, I look for 3 things at the minimum, 5 things if I can. I evaluate everybody who wants some of my time according to these principles, whether they want me to influence them as a husband, a father, a son, a sailor, a leader, or a medical provider… they all get put on the same matrix.
Are they FAT? Does their life spell FAITH?
Faithful, Available, and Teachable.
Do I see evidence in their lives that they maintain some sense of commitment to something outside of them? Have I seen them make sacrifices, choose to do things that they would rather not do because it was required by their commitment? Do they have the time to meet with me? Are they willing to wake up early or stay up late in order to talk with me? Are they willing to ride along with me while I run errands just so that we can spend some time talking? Will they make our time together a priority? Do they receive instruction or do they argue against anything they don’t like? Are they an “expert” on everything, constantly nodding their head and telling me they already understand, or do they listen, take notes, and attempt to assimilate what they see and hear in me?
Faithful, Available, Initiative, Teachable, and Hungry.
The F, A, and T, are the same as above. Does this person take the initiative or are they passive? Will I have to poke and prod them to get up off the couch, or are they motivated to make some changes? Are they pursuing life, charging down the river, or are they more or less existing, like a leaf floating on by? Are they hungry? Is there something deep inside them driving them for some kind of change? Are they excited to be mentored because they read a cool business book that mentioned it, or are they fueled by a desire to trim the fat from the flesh and go to war?
When I meet with somebody for the first time after they talk to me about taking an active role in their lives, I lay out a couple things.
1… This costs me, a lot! I spend a lot of time praying for, and thinking about the people I mentor. I reread chapters from books that I think might help them, I write letters and emails, I take notes about conversations I have had with them, I jot down things I observe from them, I prepare for our formal meetings… At 1 point in time, I was investing about 8 hours of my own time for every 1.5 hours I spent face to face with one of these guys… once a week! At 1 point in my life I had 3 guys who were resource heavy on me… that made for 24 hours of my own time, each week, 4.5 hours of time with them, each week… Significant cost! I paid it willingly (except for during hunting season… That was my time of the year to check out and recharge…)
2… It is going to cost them. When we get together for our formal meetings, they were to have a couple pens, a high lighter, a notebook, their Bible (or whatever source document we were using at work). They were to have whatever assignments I gave them completed. I expect that what we talk about is received and acted upon.
3… Before we met the second time, and I scheduled that for the following week, I wanted them to memorize all of Psalm 1, write 5 observations per verse, and be prepared to discuss it with me. If this was a guy I was mentoring at work, I had them memorize some leadership intensive/character development kind of quotes as well as some important piece of our literature.
After looking at the cost of Discipleship that Jesus laid out in the Bible, after showing them what it was going to cost me, what it was going to cost them (at the minimum), and after telling them what I expected them to memorize and have ready in a week, I would ask them…
Are you sure you want to make this investment?
I have had more than 1 fella tell me straight up, NOPE, and we finish our snacks, we talk about other things, we move on with life.
I have had some guys get pumped, like I was trying to nut check them before a big game, they say yes, then show up a week later without their Bible, Notebook, Pens, High Lighter, and with no verses memorized. I have smiled, greeted them, chit chatted while I drink my tea or coffee, and then, politely explain to them that they failed to pay the cost. I was not going to sacrifice my time with my family, or with other men who were hungry, to meet with somebody who is not serious… and then I walk out.
A surprisingly large number of guys have risen to that challenge… they come prepared… mostly… Usually there is a lot of stumbling through the verses, the observations are a bit thin, there may be 1 pen, and a crayon… but I see very quickly that there was effort made, a price was paid.
And then I know that it is costing them…
… I know they want to be there…
And when it costs me to be mentored by somebody…
My heart is all in…
What prices have y’all paid to be mentored/discipled? Have you ever paid the price because the person discipling you was not committed to your time together? Or vice versa, a person you were discipling was not committed?
What would you say is the cost of discipleship?
I would respectfully counter that there are different ways to mentor. One could expect great return from a full-time or even part-time investment.
By contrast, I’m still trying to figure out how to answer the demands of physical health and my job, and care for my home and marriage. My mentor and I meet once a week for coffee/tea. We don’t do homework – we’ve talked about it, and concluded that I do not have the time right now. I mostly bounce questions off her about how to follow Christ, love my husband, care for our home and extended family relationships as a new wife. My husband considers this coffee date one of the top priorities for scheduling each week.
Some weeks, I’m so thrashed from work that me driving anywhere is a bad idea. We reschedule for the next week.
My mentor has talked with me over what time resources I have available, and together we’ve found a way for her to still be a guide in my life with the little I have to give right now. Presumably, in a year or so I’ll have more time, and if we’re both still here, I’ll be able to take on more responsibility.
This might be an action vs. relationship thing – some people focus on what action is being taken, some people focus more on the relationship being built. Your way seems good and sound to me, and if I were single and worked a 9-6, I’d probably jump at the chance to be mentored that way.
That is not a different way to mentor… that is mentoring. You meet with this lady at a time when the 2 of you can, given your busy schedule, this demonstrates your hunger to grow in these areas. Asking her questions and listening to answers, letting her speak to your heart, willingly taking what she says and assimilating that into your life, these are the very things of mentorship/discipleship. When you have more time, then you can do more, and the more you do, the more “return on investment” you will receive.
Maturing through a discipleship relationship has several factors to it, skills, knowledge, and character. Knowledge can be taught, and it is taught… in a lot of places. Skills are trained. That is where the homework comes in… and you are getting homework. Everytime she tells you to do this, or don’t to this, or think about this, those are things you have to do in your marriage and your life. She pays attention to those things in you, it just isn’t called homework. Character is caught… that is developed simply through time in contact with those around you. Sitting at a coffee shop, just listening, just talking… just sitting in the same truck on the way to lowes to by a faucet… just time together.
I am SUPER excited for you to be meeting with somebody. Any chance it is the same woman that Jessica was meeting with?
Probably – she’s the same woman that Jessica recommended when I asked Jess to mentor me and she acknowledged that her plate was already gloriously full. 🙂