Porn Commitment

I have had an on again off again relationship with porn for a long time.

For a really long time.

Sometimes I try not to get involved with porn, sometimes I just don’t care.

I have found that I have a binge, puke, and starve relationship with porn.  It became an almost controlling entity in my life several years ago and I watched, almost like a bystander to my own life, as a death affect crept across my relationships like shadows in the evening.  Everything I did seemed to have been influenced by my involvement with porn.

I could tell that my attitude would be a little extra hostile and angry, possibly from the guilty feeling that would wash over me, and so I would deliberately choose to not engage in order to make sure that I was not hurting anybody in my home.

If there is something I have learned in my life as a dad it is this…

An angry dad, an emotionally dead dad, and an absent dad all cause great harm to the family.

So as I pushed back on my negative emotions, I also pushed back on whatever good things I felt, and this left me in a state of unresponsiveness to my wife and kids.

I deployed in 2012 and managed to go for 5 months without watching anything pornographic.  I really felt as though I had come out of a fog and was really excited to begin life clean.  I managed to stay clean just long enough to get home.  I watched the shadows creep back into my life and started living the same binge, puke, starve cycle all over again.

After enduring some significant hardships in 2013, I decided to rethink my approach to porn.  I started thinking a lot about what I had done differently during my brief intermission in 2012 and decided to bring as much of that as I could into my life now.

My wife and I went out to eat in January and then found our way to a frozen yogurt joint that we like.  While eating my standard chocolate, vanilla, coconut, and chocolate chip dessert, I let Jessica know what I was thinking about.  During our conversation, I decided to let her know about a commitment that I had made a couple days earlier.

I have committed to go for a solid year without watching any porn.

“Why on earth would you do that?  There is nothing wrong with porn!”

[My wife has requested that I edit this post and make it clear that SHE did not make the above statement…]

Well…  I think there is something wrong with porn.  I understand that the word “Porn” is not an English word, but actually a short form of a Greek word that sounds something like “Porneia.”  This word is used in a sentence in the Bible that says to stay away from all Porneia… in english this is translated as sexual immorality.  Pretty broad phrase.  Sexual immorality…  Because I am a Christian, I feel a desire to conform to the standards of the Bible and that means no porn.

Something else that concerns me greatly is when I see things in my life that control me, instead of me controlling them.  I hate seeing friends of mine who have become addicts.  It pains me to see them struggle to control their lives when it comes to the vice with which they have been struggling.  There is an analogy that goes like this:

Food was made for the stomach, the stomach was not made for food.

I do not have a stomach simply to indulge in eating whenever and whatever I want.  (Ironically enough I am snacking on a pop tart as I write this)  I have a stomach in order to process food to fuel.  If I loose the ability to skip a meal, or  loose the impulse control when it comes to snacks and cookies, then I have been replaced as the master of my stomach by food.  In the same manner, if I have lost the ability to control my impulsive desires for porn, then I have essentially submitted control of my life to porn.

It is not like I was a zombie mindlessly seeking my own pleasure and going for it at all cost.  I was in control to the extent that I would decide the when and where to engage my habit.  I did not feel like I was in control of whether or not I was going to fall prey to my vice.  I feel like I can identify with the alcoholic that chooses not to buy beer at a grocery store, but takes a drink in a restaurant with supper, looses his willpower for the rest of the evening, and polishes off a fifth by the time he goes to bed.

Like I said earlier, I can also see the way my emotions change when dealing with my family and friends.

Because of these reasons, I have made a commitment to abstain from pornography for a year.

I would appreciate your encouragement if you have ever tried to fight back against the almost undeniable combined influence of our culture and desire when trying to recover self discipline.

I would appreciate your prayers if you are a praying person.

I would encourage you to take look at your life and evaluate whether or not you are truly free in your decisions, or if you feel like you are a slave to your impulsive desires.

For the record…

I am 1 month into this commitment.  I have 11 more to go.

Thanks for reading!