I talk about this one a lot.
I have been very fortunate to have been allowed the access and involvement in the lives of people with the purpose of influencing them to greater maturity. I have spent a lot more time working with guys than I have girls so this may not be completely accurate for the the lady folks out there, but it seems to be quite accurate for the dudes.
So I said to the tool,
“What kind of tool are you?”
“Are you a screw driver, a shovel, or an axe?”
“Easy question,” said the tool, “I’m an axe!”
“Awesome… how do you know?”
“Because I have this handle and my blade is sharp.”
“I enjoy cutting down the weeds and scrub brush in the ditches…”
“I like when my blade is sharp… that is when everything is right in the world.”
No… I have not ever actually wandered into my garage and selected a tool at random and started a conversation, though I have gotten frustrated enough that I have rebuked my tools for not working as I think they should. This conversation seems to fit the standard pattern that a lot of my conversations with younger (and some not so younger) guys tend to go. I am essentially asking them, “Who are you?” The answers I usually get is, “I am this, because I have evaluated the things I enjoy and the things I value, and that has led me to believe that this is who I am.”
This is not a bad thing. Introspection coupled with some good observation skills and a little bit of counsel or advice can really help a man define precisely who he is. Although this is not a “bad” evaluation method, I find it to be a bit flawed. I would rather start with an identity, and then use this kind of evaluation to bring a bit more clarity, detail, or understanding to that identity.
Why do I think there is a flaw?
Because I have lost count of the men who tell me who they are, and yet live defeated, unfulfilled, frustrated lives of simmering anger and a frozen, stifled resignation to accept the status quo. They rage within because of the frustration, some of them even going to great lengths to straighten out what is crooked, and often there is no deeper fulfilment, no longer lasting joy, no resonating peace within their lives. If so many of the men whom I have spoken with have defined their identity in the above manner and yet come to this same end result, then there must be a flaw in the equation.
“An axe, you say?”
“You derive great joy and pleasure from cutting the scrub brush and weeds in the ditch, but what about the firewood?”
“Yeah… about firewood… I’m more of a ditch weed kind of axe.”
“You do not cut wood?”
“Nope… I’ve had a bad experience in the past… really hurts.”
“Have you ever considered that maybe you are not an axe?”
“Maybe your starting premise was wrong?”
At this point it gets kind of grimy. When I look a man in his eyes and start to imply that he has no idea who he is, I feel as though I am potentially releasing a raging bull hopped up on coke and looking for a fight. I’m always scared when I broach this part of the conversation.
Here’s why…
Our identity seems to be defined for us when we are young. Whether this is done by people that we love, or people that we have to be with, it is defined for us. We go through life viewing everything around us, including our own thoughts, values, priorities, actions, desires, etc., through the lens of our identity. If I tell a man that he does not know who he is, then I am pulling a card, a bottom card, from his house of cards… his whole world might collapse. Lucky for me, I am not too convincing the first time I start talking about this kind of stuff!
“What if you are not an axe at all… What if you are shovel”
“Shovels have sharp blades…
long handles…
and do pretty well at cutting the weeds…
and scrub brush in the ditch…
but they really come alive when they get to dig…”
I get to ask questions!! I love asking questions. I never know what is about to get uncovered. I am not trying to cause trouble for these guys, I want to see them free. So I ask questions that will hopefully get them to start thinking the “why” questions for their life. I want to introduce doubt into the equation. Even if who they think they are really is who they are, a little doubt and questioning goes a long way in shoring up their confidence in who they are. At the worst I get to help them embark upon a seekers journey… and sometimes I get to help them figure out who they are.
After establishing an identity, I like to talk about purpose. The trick is that this is where these conversations usually start. A man will tell me that he feels so frustrated because he is doing everything that he knows to do, is doing good things, things of value, and yet he is frustrated. He just wants to make his little mark on the world but feels as though for all his work, he is still waiting to work where he feels he fits. This is a question about purpose, but I cannot encourage a shovel to keep on beating his head into trees in an axe world. So we go back to identity and figure out we are a shovel. Most of the men I have had these talks with have a hard time understanding that identity drives purpose. They seem to instinctively think that purpose drives identity. “I am good at this, and it is what I do, so it must be who I am.” Sorry bro… no.
“Is a shovel a shovel because it digs, or does it dig because it is a shovel?”
So after working out identity, purpose kind of starts to fall into place.
After purpose starts to fall into place, values start to fall into place.
If we judge our purpose and then derive our identity from that, then we have determined who we are. If we are the ones who define our identity, then our values are really quite arbitrary.
So where does identity come from?
I believe it comes from Jesus. In the book of Ephesians, I read a line that says, “For this reason I bow my knees before the Father in Heaven, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name.” There are a couple other passages which talk about Jesus giving us a new name or knowing our name. I understand that my name is the label of my identity.
So I spend time reading scripture with the these guys and sitting at the feet of Jesus. I encourage them to forget about trying to figure out what to do with their lives, and instead give this a shot and try to figure out who they are.
It has not worked %100 of the time, but it has worked a lot more than it has failed.
As a matter of fact, one of the guys I meet regularly with right now started meeting with me because of one of these conversations. He was adamant that identity does not matter! Purpose… what is my purpose? He trusted me and decided to play my little game… and in the last 6 months this dude has figured out 2 things…
1. A shovel is not a shovel because it digs, it digs because it is a shovel.
2. He is not a shovel.
So this is what I say…
Identity drives Purpose, Purpose drives Values. Looking for the source of identity within tends to be inaccurate. Looking for the source of identity external seems to produce slightly better results.
If you do not know who you are, send me a message. I would love to help you start looking for the source of your identity.
HAHAHA. I love it! I love the line, “Identity drives purpose, purpose drives values.” Now this is a conversation I have had with people and I have recently had to do some studying on all of this, mainly due to a class I am taking. Heres how some thinking went recently for me and a buddy..
What are values? according to google, “a person’s principles or standards of behavior; one’s judgment of what is important in life.” synonyms include the word “morals.”
So what are morals? again, according to google, “concerned with the principles of right and wrong behavior and the goodness or badness of human character.”
So what are some common words within these two definitions? “Principles of behavior.”
What does it look like for someone to have “principles.” well, lets look at the google definition of the word integrity, “the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness.”
Now, I could go on explaining “moral uprightness” and the implications this statement has on those that follow Jesus and those that do not, but I wont right now. What I like to point out is this, you said, “Identity drives purpose, purpose drives values.” I believe the majority of people do not know their identity or have place their identity in the wrong places. this gives a false purpose, just as you have stated. This translates to a false value system. values and morals are the inner being of integrity. The result of an unknown identity is a skewed integrity, which is also confirmed by looking at the majority of America, especially our leadership.
I bring this up because the number 1 core “value” of the USAF is “Integrity first.” What? integrity? integrity in what? Which brings up the question of “standards of behavior” in the definition of the word values and how an unsaved, undiscipled people group place standards of behavior and moral judgement into everyday life.
I like the book of Romans.
Well said. I will write a post about integrity, or at least my take on it, one of these days. I have felt the conundrum you have experienced in the Air Force. If we are to hold faith and allegiance to each other as active duty service members, and we are to agree to a certain standard of organizational morality, from what source is this morality coming? As our institutions transition more and more to an athiestic cultural perspective, then morality (and the principles/values which come with that set of standards) must be derived from what is commonly accepted in our larger culture. In this model as culture changes, then morality changes.
And just to be clear, I do not write this as a complaint. No matter where I live, I will have to interact with the common social structure of the local culture. This turns into a kind of game for me and it opens up a lot of really fun conversations. They usually stem from talks about purpose and integrity. As I think about it now, I am sure I will write about integrity in a later post.
Thanks for the comment!
This is getting deep. I like your thought process. If you ask most men what are they, they will tell you what they do for a living. Too find out what you are, you need to know what is most important in your life. Is it God, Family, Country or something else. While your job is important, it is not what you are. I am first a child of god, second a husband,father and citizen. I think most of us were put on this earth to help each other. As I get older, I look back To see what I have done that I can be proud of and try to do more of it. Our time on this Earth is short and we need to make the most of it.
True story. One of the first questions between men when we meet is, “What do you do…
I think this indicates that, culturally, we define each other, as well as ourselves, by the what we do. We analyze purpose to define identity instead of the other way around.
Thanks for the comment uncle Jim.
One of the questions we’re taught to ask in networking, rather than, “What do you do for a living?” is, “How do you spend your time?” Not everyone has a job – everyone has a finite resource of time to invest in what they’re convinced is worth investing in.
Amanda,
I really like your approach to not asking “what do you do for a living?” This is also seen in foreign cultures. Other countries, such as Cameroon, are much more relational than Americans are. They do not ask basic questions like you have stated. They ask questions like, “how are your children doing in school,” or “how are your crops surviving the drought?” I have tried to implement this into my life; however, it does take being much more observant about the people we see on a daily basis and actually figure things out about their lives.
Thanks for the reminder.