Eternity to go. Or that is at least how it feels.
Class went well today. Mostly just paperwork and the meet and greet with the instructor staff.
As I sat in class today listening to the stories and really letting the weight of what I have just embarked upon sink in a little bit more, I realized that I am really pretty nervous. This is not like me normally so I spent some time trying to figure out the source of this twinge of anxiety.
I am not afraid to fail (even though I never have), I am afraid of succeeding. There seems to be a deep fear in me that says I will do well in this course, like I have in every course I have started, and then I will get to the job and not be prepared. I will know the book answers, but won’t be able to function in reality. I heard a theme with the instructors today… trust the course… you will be ready.
I had to think about the rest of my life also.
I do not want to study in order to pass the tests and practical evaluations in my class just to fail on the job. Am I now doing what is “right” by my family so that I can pass the tests in life? Am I investing in my kids now so that when they are teenagers or college kids, I will have a good relationship with them resulting in my good grade? Or am I more concerned about preparing now so that I can reign with Christ in Heaven?
This struggle in me has been communicated by others in this way…
Do I live for the applause of men or for the applause of Heaven?
If I am studying for the test, then I am living for the applause of men.
If I am preparing for the reality to come then I am living for the applause of heaven.
When thinking about the school, I do not want to fail at all. I want to be good at my job and I do not want to cause harm to anybody around me. I want to be trusted and I want to have the ability to take care of other people. I will have to trust those who have gone before me, those who have set the example for me, and I will have to follow their advice.
Trust the course… you will be ready.
I live with an incredibly deep insecurity that screams at me each day with an incessant voice of rage and terror that says the time is coming and you are not ready… will not be ready…
I feel that pressure in so many things. This is the pressure that causes me to naturally be such a “do-er.”
I would like to start living out of a sense of preparedness instead of a sense of dread for the future. I want to start tasting the life I now have for what it is worth as opposed to tasting the bitterness of loss which has not yet occurred.
I feel the tension of having my eyes on the horizon, ever vigilant for what is coming and distant from what is currently happening around me. I feel as though, if I stop looking at the horizon and focus on what is around me, I will not see the mountain and we will crash and burn because of my failure, but if I keep my eyes on the horizon, we will reach the destination and my family and friends will disembark as strangers to me instead of those with whom I have developed intimacy.
I did not plan out this post. I wanted to check in after the first day and say things went well. Then I rambled about my heart a bit.
Oh well… thanks for reading.